About That Puppy

Besides “How did the election go?” the number one question I get since running for office is “Did you get the puppy?”.

The reason is, as anybody who watched my campaign for Fullerton City Council knows, is that my wife wants a puppy and I ran ads on the notion because it was funny. She wants one so much that when you ask our 5-year-old what Mommy wants for Christmas he says “A Puppy”. It’s bad. Worse because it’s all your fault.

You voters let her down as my promise of a puppy was predicated on the participation of a plurality of people voting for me. That didn’t happen and it’s your fault. I can’t make that point often enough. I will stand up time and again and blame others for this particular problem. I’m a hero like that.

As an aside, had I won a city council seat I might have been forced to not get her a puppy because I would have been by definition a politician and lies seem to come with that title but that’s a more nuanced argument that was mooted by a losing campaign.

However — we’ve been looking for a puppy because even though you all let her down I’m not a monster and she’s really, shall we say, persistent about this puppy predicament. So we’ve been looking. And Looking. AND LOOKING.

And we don’t have a puppy.

The first problem is that I want a puppy for the kids to know as a puppy. I’m not really interested in a dog unless we grow it into a dog. Sorry old dogs. I’m not really into this whole idea in the first place so my willingness to compromise is pretty limited in the first place. Adorable puppy? I suppose I might budge. An old Dog? Hard pass.

The next problem is that rescues are full of idiots. Idiots in the sense that they’re idiots. Professional and industrial grade idiots.

If you like animals you hear a lot about “Rescue! Don’t Buy!” and I say Hogwash at this point because if I wanted to buy a dog from Craigslist or a puppy mill or a back alley I’d have a puppy already. A special puppy. A fake designer puppy. Probably something stupid with a “-poo” suffix even. I’d have it and it would be annoying but it’d be something she wants and that I can tolerate.

But I like the idea of a rescue. Even if I can’t find a half-Scottie-half-Miniature-Schnauzer-half-Man-half-Bear-half-Pig which is what I want. I like rescues because it makes me feel smug and good about myself when I say that I rescued something adorable. I’m not smug enough to rescue anything but I know the premise of rescues and I have rescued animals.

I have a rescued cat. I have a rescued cat with one eye. A rescued cat that was found in a backyard that was left to us when a family member died. I know all about rescues. We have had rescued dogs in the past as well.

Want to get a rescue dog today? Tough.

The rescue people want applications filled out and if they bother to respond to you they want an arm and a leg in prices AND THEN they deny you because you have kids. Or don’t own your home. Or don’t have some special qualifier that was never listed on their stupid website. Rescue! Don’t Buy! Oh but not you. You can’t have a dog. Unless you, you know, buy one.

Find one that you can actually adopt? Sorry! They just found that particular “Fur Baby” it’s “Forever Home” while you were making plans go to go get it but would you be interested in this chihuahua instead? How about this 80-year old Chi-Pit? No? That’s good because if you said Yes it would have been DENIED. Denied!

I’m starting to think that the closer we get to Christmas the more Grinch like these rescue people become and the fewer homes their animals will find because they secretly want them all for themselves.

We’ll keep looking and maybe we will end up with a puppy at some point but right now it’s not looking good at the moment.